differentiation Archives

Jul 15

Can anxiety be bound

By MEDave Anxiety, chronic anxiety, differentiation

Can anxiety be “bound”?

YES. And anxiety binding has positive and negative aspects to it.

Dr. Kerr wrote a lot about anxiety binding behaviour. He is the author of Family Evaluation, one of the original “source materials” on Bowen Family Systems. The system’s idea that a behaviour can bind anxiety is important when trying to improve one’s functioning.

The concept of binding anxiety supports the premise that dealing with anxiety is a major driver of behaviour in animals. For example, rats exhibit many behaviours in response to being stressed and or anxious. There are physical behaviours like chewing on sticks or over / under grooming. Social behaviors include distancing from other rats. If the a rat is anxious enough, all of these might occur. Humans, with our bigger brains human can be more inventive.

Anxiety binding can lead to symptoms

The importance of this concept lies in the symptoms it can create in individuals and in their family system. Anxiety binding can manifest in many forms of behaviour. Some are positive, like exercising, or getting good grades, or being very productive at work. Other forms are not healthy like drinking, over or under eating, excessive fantasying or focus on a topic. Worrying about something I can’t do anything about would be another example. Even positive behaviours can lead to negative outcomes when they are driven by anxiety and not thoughtful goal setting. Obsessing about fitness or ignoring friendships to get perfect grades are examples of this.

Binding anxiety doesn’t address the source of anxiety

Anxiety binding behaviours are the outward signs of an underlying emotional process. Anxiety binding is like taking a painkiller to relieve pain while not fixing the underlying cause of the pain. At best, anxiety binding is a soothing, distracting behaviour. But it can be far more insidious than this because individuals are often not aware of what is driving the anxiety binding behaviour. For example, the need to prove oneself to others could lead to excessive time at work. Or it could show up as focusing on competing in a sport, to the detriment of other areas of life. Dr Kerr posits that even psychosis can be an extreme form of anxiety binding. More on this later.

“To fully understand the concept of anxiety binding, one needs to maintain a systems perspective.”

Relationships as a source of anxiety

The emotional process of a relationship can generate various levels of tension or discomfort. This is because individuals are very sensitive to the level of agreement in a relationship. Most individuals can sense the level of agreement just from a facial expression, a tone of voice, the cadence of speech, a look, or a gesture. Individuals avoid conflicts or disagreements in relationships. They want approval and acceptance, and depending on their level of differentiation will do pretty much anything to get it. This is where anxiety comes in and the binding starts.

Emotional process leads to anxiety binding

We have come by this anxiety binding process honestly. In eons past, if a member of your group of started displaying signs of stress or anxiety, it would have been important for you to notice. Whatever was bothering them could have been coming at you next. It’s adaptive to respond to another’s distress or we wouldn’t have developed to be so sensitive to others.

Let’s say you grew up in a family that had a lot of conflict. You might be extra sensitive to “keeping the peace” in your current family, having vowed to not have it be like it was in your family of origin. The result is a base level of anxiousness about any type of disagreement in your family. It’s like you are extra vigilant, but you aren’t even aware of it. This chronic anxiety could manifest in automatic, non-conscious behaviour to please others. You are over helpful and over attentive to the needs of others. This behaviour binds the anxiety related to “watch out for conflict” that you picked up in your family of origin.

A second level of anxiety binding

But this orientation to always be helpful and pleasing to others can create its own stress as well. And this also needs to be “soothed” or bound. For example, you may have found over the years that a drink or two helps take the edge off in social situations. Or maybe you feel better getting to work extra early to get ahead of the day. Or perhaps it shows up as always being helpful to your children. Whether or not they need or want it. A sense of comfort from the vigilance and effort related to your orientation to please others drives these behaviours. The challenge is that this is automatic, non-conscious behaviour unless we really start to pay attention to what is going on.

Changes disrupt the binding

The anxiety of unresolved issues in a relationship can be bound with a focus on one’s children or career. This could also stem from the need to be successful at work or as a parent to win the approval of others, especially one’s partner. The result is an over-weighted mental / emotional investment in that area. So where does this anxiety go when that binder isn’t available? Children leaving home can leave anxiety “unbound”. So can retirement – all the investment in work now has to go some place, but where does it go? An overhelpfulness with grandkids can just be a replacement anxiety binder. If work ended up creating a level of distance in a relationship, retirement can be a problem.

Dr Kerr put it like this: “While several factors contributed to the increase in anxiety, a very important factor was that the mechanism of binding anxiety through emotional distance (reinforced by physical distance) was less available to the couple following retirement.”

Beliefs can be binding

Dr. Kerr also wrote that “beliefs are an especially important anxiety binder”. If one belief is easier or more comfortable to live with than an alternate belief, it could be an anxiety binder. We all do this. For example, I want to believe we will figure out a way to deal with climate change issues. Not believing is just something I do not want to deal with. It’s too hard. BUT, to the degree I refuse to entertain factual information about climate change, because it’s too uncomfortable, this will distort my thinking and behaviour. I’ll be adapting to avoid discomfort. I could go so far as to believing conspiracies about climate issues. As Kerr wrote, “Psychotic level thought processes are an exaggeration of this lack of discrimination between fact and fantasy that exists in all of us. Psychotic level thought processes can be powerful anxiety binders.”

Defining self gets to the root

The alternate approach to binding anxiety is to work at defining self more. This is the path to reducing the anxiety that needs to be bound. Using the climate change issue, for example, I work to stay informed about trends in technology and the effects of climate change. I take the approach of: this is what is, what do I want to do about it? This involves thinking about what am I willing to do, and what am I not willing to do. This is a big issue that involves a lot of thinking about what is a responsible way to live regarding climate change.

This process of defining self is not about denial or giving up. It’s about thoughtfully engaging the issue and deciding what I think a mature, responsible way to act would be. It helps with any issue, since how I think and respond to an issue is critical to the outcome.

It’s difficult. But living in denial or as a helpless victim around any issue isn’t easy either. Especially in the longer term. And if you are using relationships to bind the resulting anxiety, well, something is likely to suffer. The anxiety binder of over involvement with one’s child can negatively affect the child’s development.

It’s worth the effort

Another belief for me is that the more I work on my level of differentiation, the better I’ll be for myself, others, and the planet. This means I try not to avoid what makes me anxious. I try to understand what, when, where, how, how much is affecting my level of discomfort or tension. I work to see my part and I work to change that.

This has been slow work for me. So don’t get stressed 0ut looking for anxiety binding or you might end with more to bind!

Thank you for your interest in systems.

Dave Galloway

Email questions to dave.galloway@livingsystems.ca.

Dr. Kerr’s book, co-authored with Dr. Bowen, Family Evaluation, was the source of the ideas for this post.

You can read more about Dr. Kerr’s work here

To read more about Bowen theory, click here.

I wrote this blog. Dall-E created the image from my prompts.

May 23

Love0

Attachment theory revisited

By MEDave attachment, differentiation

Origins of attachment theory

John Bowlby created attachment theory in the 1950s and published articles on it for twenty years. He drew on concepts from several areas in psychology. For example, Freud’s ideas of the mother/child relationship and its impact on the unconscious. Lorenz’s ideas on imprinting in birds contributed to Bowlby’s thinking on the role of instincts in the “bonding” relationship. Darwin’s theory of evolution supported his idea that an infant’s innate propensity to form an attachment is more adaptive. Piaget and Robertson, with their work on development stages, contributed as well.

Bowlby also incorporated concepts from control systems theory, viewing attachment quality as a regulator of a child’s behavior. From cognitive psychology, he developed the idea of an “internal working model” that the child develops about self and others. In his clinical work, he noticed the effects of foster care and institutionalization on children and sought a theoretical framework to explain his observations. As the chart in the image above shows, his was very much of a top down, cognitive approach.

Mary Ainsworth’s “strange situation”

Empirical support for Bowlby’s theory comes from Mary Ainsworth’s “Strange Situation” studies. She proposed four categories of attachment styles. These broad categories have be used for years and are still popular labels.

Secure. With this style, toddlers are more comfortable exploring their surroundings. Mothers can quickly comfort these children.
Anxious-ambivalent. Separation from their month will upset these children. Comforting them can take longer. They can cling, but not calm down.
Anxious-avoidant. These children can ignore or avoid the caregiver and show little emotion when separated. They appear both distant and self reliant.
Disorganized attachment. Ainsworth added this category because the behavior just didn’t fit into the other categories.

Systems viewpoint on attachment

From a systems viewpoint, attachment theory does not address several issues. First, it is an individual model, with a focus on the primary caregiver’s behaviour. (My mother didn’t love me enough, so my relationships are messed up). It doesn’t address the effects of the caregivers’ “system”. It also doesn’t address the role of anxiety in the system. Anxiety can manifest as not enough attention, but it can also manifest as an anxious focus with too much attention on the child. Anxious driven attention can distort the quality of the relationship. A child can notice anxiety in their parents and in the system and be reactive to that. A more anxious child might easily display a non-secure style. (I’m condensing a two-day conference into a paragraph!)

Emotionally autonomous, not emotionally attached

According to Bowen Theory, development is about becoming more emotionally autonomous or differentiated. More differentiated individuals can develop their own goals based on their own thinking and values. They have more ability to hold on to their principles, even if it means being criticized. Being more differentiated, they aren’t (as) threatened by what others might think or feel. Thus, they can form very meaningful relationships. The level of parental affection does not limit the relationship quality of these individuals.

An alternative to attachment theory

Welch and Ludwig have a new way to think about attachment. They propose that attachment is based on the development of the adaptive Autonomic Socio Emotional Reflex (ASR). This is a bottom up, physiologically based approach to the concept of attachment. They posit that during a healthy gestation and birth, conditional learning for the mother and infant takes place. They both learn to orient and approach to each other, automatically. It is relationship based. It is also adaptive since the mother and infant both need to orient to and approach the other to minimize distress for both. Welch named this regulating influence in her “calming cycle theory”. She also developed an intervention call Family Nurture Intervention that can create an adaptive ASR using emotional connection.

Observer first, theory second

The ASR and Calming Cycle Theory are based on over ten years of clinical work and studies. Researchers observed that creating an adaptive ASR is possible even with a premature birth. Welch developed the Family Nurture Intervention in order to improve the quality of the mother infant emotional connection. Later, she developed the Welch Emotional Connection Scale (WECS) in to objectively assess the quality of the emotional connection. The measures include: eye contact or gaze aversion, physical attraction or avoidance, vocal cooing or distress, and reciprocal responsiveness. With this model, Welch developed her theory in order to explain her observations. This is the same approach Dr. Bowen used in his work. If the theory didn’t fit the observations, the theory was wrong and needed to be adjusted.

The emotion connection emotional contact continuum

Welch’s concept of emotional connection exists along a continuum of maladaptive to adaptive. An observer can quickly “score” how adaptive or not the connection is using the measure in the WECS. The quality of this connection sets a foundation for the quality of emotional regulation and social interactions of the child. Being on a continuum, there are no categories that are artificially created and labeled. The mother and child aren’t broken or “normal”, they are just at a point on a continuum as an outcome of natural processes.

There is more research being done using the Family Nurture Intervention with very positive results. Biology appears to be telling us that Welch’s “emotional connection” is the first stage of being in a relationship. It is an immature relationship and highly fused. I also believe that biology is tells us what an adaptive, mature relationship looks like. In fact, I think it would look like a mature version of WECS!

It appears that our relationship self develops along a continuum of emotional connection (fusion) to good emotional contact (differentiated). And I’m still working to move along the continuum towards being more differentiated. At least I know I’m moving in the adaptive direction.

Thank you for your interest in family systems.

Comments are welcome: dave.galloway@livingsystems.ca

This post was inspired by this article: 6 week intervention.

What is good emotional contact

By MEDave Anxiety, differentiation, emotional system, togetherness

Dr. Bowen and Dr. Kerr have written about the value of having good emotional contact with family members. But what is “good emotional contact”? How is this different from an emotional connection? How does it relate to one’s level of differentiation? Is this something a person can intentionally work at increasing the quality or amount of emotional contact with others? And importantly, what would the benefit be to oneself and others of having good emotional contact?

What is emotional contact?

Neither Bowen nor Kerr clearly defines the phrase “emotional contact.” Bowen used the term thirty-three times, and Kerr more than that. Dr. Bowen also used “viable” and “meaningful” as part of the term. I will do my best to reverse engineer what I think the meaning is.

Put on your systems hat, as we must think of systems to find meaning. I believe Dr. Bowen intentionally chose the term because it is descriptive and accurate for the idea he wanted to convey.

Emotional connection is different.

Emotional Contact is not an emotional connection. Connection means “connected,” as A and B are connected. This implies that when A moves, B moves. Contact means they are touching, so A and B can move independently of each other.

Bowen was very specific in his definition of emotion, which stems from biology. Emotion relates to our physiological and biological functioning. Having low blood sugar is an emotional level state. Feeling hungry, consciously, is what Bowen called “feeling.” Strictly speaking, an emotional connection is when my emotional state changes in response to your emotional state. I’m automatically getting reactive. The “connection” is strong enough that the reactive behaviour actually gets in the way. I’m not autonomous in my feelings and thinking. This is fusion. You get anxious, and this leads to me getting more anxious. (I’m simplifying things as always.)

Emotional contact – I’m next to you, not stuck to you.

So, with good emotional contact, I’m in contact with you but not “stuck” or reactive to you. I’m at least not so reactive that it impedes my functioning. The topic of discussion is “emotional” in that one could physiologically measure changes that occur. We experience these topics as important and meaningful. They might be very impactful or scary. They could be very positive or negative. But, because I’m only in contact and not connected, I’m better able to manage my level of reactivity. I’m able to listen closely because I am genuinely interested. I don’t have an urge to fix anything or change your mind. I’m thoughtful about what I share, but not so worried about you I do not share my thinking. We have a meaningful exchange of our opinions. We learn about what is important to each other and how we think on that topic.

Emotions are sticky.

It’s easy to get “connected” and lose “contact.” Poor emotional contact can show up in several ways. There is distancing or avoiding on one end of a continuum and being too active and preoccupied on the other end. Avoiding contact or having shallow conversations without any significance falls under the distant side. This distancing is a form of reactivity, actually. But then getting reactive while in contact can show up as avoiding a topic, changing the topic, giving advice, being bored, frustrated or impatient. Trying to fix the other person’s problem trying to get them to change their mind or opinion is also reactivity. All of these mechanisms about trying to manage the anxiety or tension that comes up. All of these things get in the way of managing the tension and just listening with a curious, non judgemental attitude. This doesn’t mean you don’t have your own opinions or that you agree with everything.

Thinking systems can help

One thing I try to do is maintain a systems point of view. This gets me more curious about the *process* of how things came to be the way they are. It helps me avoid the blaming of cause and effect thinking and the urge to get I’m not sure that anyone wants to only talk about important and meaningful things all the time. Just getting know a person, staying informed about their life is also part of a good emotional contact. So don’t go overboard or you’ll stop getting invited to parties! Talk about the weather, sports, food, hobbies. Be open to where it might go. If weather leads to very meaningful and important discussion let it happen.

As with other aspects of working on self, I do this for my growth. I work on this because it’s important and meaningful to me. I also know that having good emotional contact is good for my emotional and physical health. Good emotional contact is an antidote to loneliness. Who will you work to have good emotional contact with? Like any fitness program, too much too soon is not recommended. Consistency is more important than intensity. Slow and steady wins the race.

differentiation