(Please note: This post could create powerful feelings in some individuals. The research references are listed below and will provide a more complete description of the material. They are quite easy to read and understand.)
Dr. Bowen and Dr. Kerr have written about the value of having good emotional contact with family members. But what is "good emotional contact"? How is this different from an emotional connection? How does it relate to one's level of differentiation? Is this something a person can intentionally work at increasing the quality or amount of emotional contact with others? And importantly, what would the benefit be to oneself and others of having good emotional contact?
We are learning more about how good relationships are important to optimal functioning and health. The research on loneliness is making this clear, for example. A recent NY Times article offering the "best" relationship advice (the link is below) is the inspiration for this post. I believe systems thinking has some important ideas to offer.
Being a better observer is essential for becoming more differentiated, a fundamental concept of Bowen family systems theory. Differentiation of self has two parts. The first is distinguishing thoughtful thinking from automatic emotions, feelings, and reactions. The second is having a level of autonomy in relationships, holding onto something you value even when people pressure you otherwise.
I was never very athletic growing up. Often I came in last or second to last in school races. I was usually picked last for teams unless I made persuasive, pleading eyes at a team captain. People knew I was smart and so they sometimes assumed that translated to sports. It did not. Except for dodgeball. I was very good at dodgeball. The one time I was glad to be last.
A few years ago I got very sick after an incredibly stressful series of weeks in my life (a common response to stress for me). After being sick for an entire weekend, my teenage daughter commented to me, “I knew you were really sick because the shower curtain was open all weekend!” I asked, “What do you mean?!” She replied, “Mom, my room is next to the bathroom. I hear everything. You close the shower curtain every time you go into the bathroom! Even if it’s already closed, you adjust it a little more.”
You've had time to get going on your resolutions. Resolutions are about what I call "functioning up". For one to function up, you need to get serious, sensible, and self-ish.
Forgive the takeoff on the Beatles song. You now have had a couple of weeks with your 2024 resolutions.
For those of us that celebrate Christmas, there is a tradition of giving gifts. A children's book about giving called The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein has been a popular gift over the years. But it has a mixed message about giving.
A family system perspective can make all the difference in adopting radical acceptance of a situation. For many people, the shift from an individual model perspective to a family emotional systems perspective is a radical thing to accept. But the core of radical acceptance theory is understanding and acknowledging "what is". What Dr. Bowen observed, understood and acknowledged was that families operate as an emotional unit. The system is "what is".
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Living Systems Counselling and Training is a registered society since 1974, charity# 107784308RR001. We offer affordable counselling for individuals, couples, and families with a wide range of relationship and mental health issues in various locations in the Lower Mainland.
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Living Systems gratefully acknowledges that our organization operates on the unceded and traditional territories of the Coast Salish people. This acknowledgment is a small part of the ongoing work to foster reconciliation.
