Among several things going on in the world, I’m disappointed with the outcome of the US 2024 presidential election. So I’m using this as an example of how I apply a systems perspective to disappointing events. How can a systems perspective help me function as well as I can as I work through the situation? Dr. Bowen paid attention to how individuals and families *functioned*. He believed one should pay more attention to what a person does, and less to what they say (they will do). He watched how individuals functioned in their families because that is what mattered most. Also, this helped him recognize a person’s ability to change their functioning versus being “broken” by some pathology.

Acknowledge disappointment. THINK about it.

If one is disappointed, not reflecting on it won’t make it go away. Usually there is an expectation that wasn’t met. Perhaps this leads to frustration, anger, sadness, fear, confusion, as well as disappointment. I believe it’s useful to think about what one is specifically feeling. Alos to reflect on what expectations (hopes, dreams) contributed to those specific feelings.

Stress of Disappointment

We are learning more about how the psychological (feeling) experience of “stress” can have a negative impact on one’s health. So to the degree there is an ongoing negative experience, this can put a negative load on our mind and thus our body. Our mind works off of perceptions – what we have experienced or what we imagine we will experience. What we “perceive” is real to the mind. That’s why our thinking and perceptions can affect our health. (Read more here.)

Follow the reactivity

Disappointment can increase one’s reactivity. This can then increase the level of subjectivity, story making, and negative thinking. One way to manage subjectivity is to simply work to observe it – when is my internal self talk just some opinions or negative story? I can’t intervene in this negative thought process if I can’t recognize the subjectivity. It’s useful to ask: what facts to I have to support this story? For example, as of the middle of November 2024, Trump had done nothing to impact Canada. As Bowen would say, pay attention to what people do, not [only] to what they say. This doesn’t mean ignoring what people say, it’s just about not putting too much belief in just words.

Get the facts

The antidote to subjectivity is more objectivity. More facts. For example, Trump got about four million FEWER votes this time than Biden did in 2020. There was NOT overwhelmingly MORE support for him. Harris got more votes in 2024 than Trump in 2020. Harris got about 6 million LESS votes in 2024 than Biden did in 2020. They couldn’t have voted for Trump. Democrats just didn’t vote, for some reason. Roughly 50% of the US voter base is Democrat. Republicans could lose the Senate and the House in the 2026 midterms. I have found these facts somewhat reassuring. It might be very cloudy, but the sky hasn’t fallen.

Clarify “what is”. Ask two key questions

So what is “what is?” It is being clear on the objective reality of a situation. Trump won. Republicans have a majority in both houses. But I’m a Canadian. I don’t run a business. I’m not a politician. These are facts. This is “what is”. There are two important questions one can ask themselves? What can I do given “what is”? What am I willing ( or not) to do given what is? Answering these questions involves defining self, which is based on one’s principles and convictions.

Defining self is always important

A core concept in a systems perspective is that I can only change *my* functioning. I can’t change “the system”, but I can change how I *function* in it. I can take responsibility for myself and I can decide how I want to function. How do I want to show up in my life? This involves defining self. The active part functioning is the result of answering the two questions above.

Defining self is a process of clarifying one’s convictions about some thing in order to function as well as one can in that area. Often the “thing” is about relationships. For example, how do I want to be as a partner, father, brother, or friend. Or citizen. A conviction about functioning better will help one recognize the story making and subjectivity.

Moving on from disappointment

Continuing with the example. I’ve broadened my perspective by gathering more facts about the situation. This help correct my story that can feed the disappointment. I’ve thought about what I can do and what I willing to do. For example, I can write my member of parliament about trade policies and areas I want them to support. Perhaps more importantly, I can decide to limit how much news I watch. I can manage my reactivity around politics. I can work to NOT be polarizing with respect to others. I can work to stay connected with friends and family regardless of there political views. I can listen without judging.

But most of all, I can move on. I do what I can and then I get on with my life. My goals, my relationships. I decide how I want so so up and how I want to use my time. I’m goal directed. I trust that people can and will change. I believe I can function up and it’s my responsibility to do so.

I never said this was easy. But the alternative is actually worse. For me and my systems.

This post was inspired by the following:  Seth blog 

Thank you for your interest in family systems.

dave galloway

dave.galloway@livingsystems – send me your coments.

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Read more about Bowen Theory here

This post might also be of interest: Can anxiety be bound