How Family Systems Theory Explains Your Family Trajectory
Trajectories are interesting things. So are nonlinear systems, like families and climate. Let me tell you a story to illustrate. Canada has oil fields off the east coast. Icebergs can come down and destroy a rig. The solution was simple. Track the movement of the icebergs way up north. Use the trajectory to predict the path they will take and how close they might come to the rigs. Icebergs that might come close were selected for an intervention. What was it? A fireboat would pull up alongside the iceberg and spray the berg using the water cannon. Over a number of days that would push the iceberg just a little. But it changed its trajectory! By the time they reach the oil rig areas they would be hundreds of miles away.
Here is another point that most people don’t know. There is the story about a butterfly flapping its wings and causing a tornado in another state a week later. This came out of models of “chaotic systems”. What the author meant was this. A tiny change in initial conditions can have a dramatic impact on final outcome. This is how family systems theory understands change: small shifts in initial conditions produce large effects over time.
Small Changes Shift Trajectory
Have you ever noticed a small shift in your own life that had effects you didn’t expect? What does this have to do with families? Families are systems. Families have trajectories. Family patterns repeat not because people are stuck, but because the conditions that produce them haven’t changed. In family systems theory, a change in one part of the system produces effects throughout. Change the conditions and you change the trajectory. Simple but not easy. Bowen Theory provides some clues as to how this might work. I think that there are four areas that could impact one’s life trajectory, and thus your family systems trajectory. These four areas are my own applied framework, informed by Bowen Theory. They are not Bowen’s own formulation.
The four areas are:
- Observing my part in the system
- Managing my reactivity
- Managing my thinking
- Defining self
At Living Systems in Vancouver, I’ve worked with individuals and families using family systems theory for over 25 years. What I’ve found is that small, sustained changes in any of these four areas can shift where a person ends up, and where their family ends up with them.
Your Family Systems Trajectory
You live in and with a family system and this system is made up of individuals and the relationship processes between them. What you do impacts this system. And the system will impact you as well. So you have a part to play in the system. And that’s the only part you can play: your part. So how well you play your part impacts your and your family’s trajectory.
The implications of you playing your part are significant. It means taking responsibility for your part, and letting others be responsible for their part. Blaming is not involved, for example.
Observing My Part
The second step is observing. How do you and your system work together? I find this is where curiosity becomes practical. How do you react to various situations? Can you describe what gets you tense, happy, anxious, mad, sad, afraid? Whom do you talk to the most? Whom are you the most worried about? Which individuals do you have the least contact with? What topics are avoided to avoid conflict or tension? There are lots of questions to ask that can help you to be a better observer and learn more about how you function in your systems. But like the iceberg example, if you don’t understand the start of the trajectory, you can’t change it effectively. So a person observes and notices things they would like to do better with: areas where they would like to function more effectively.
I find that this kind of observation creates the conditions for something more: working on how I react. Is there a pattern you’ve been noticing in yourself that you’d like to understand better?
Managing My Reactivity
Emotional reactivity in families can show up in many ways. I’m using the term reactivity in a very broad sense. Think of anything along a continuum of tension or discomfort to noticeable frustration, anxiety, or unpleasantness. Whatever comes up is your reaction. I believe I have agency in my response-ability. It’s not that nothing matters. Things do matter. But my level of reactivity reflects my level of differentiation. The more I can stay in contact with my own thinking when things get tense, the more choice I have about how I respond. I can’t predict what happens or keep things from happening. Stuff happens. But I can work on how I respond, even when I can’t control my initial reactivity. This is important because how I feel can impact what I think, which impacts how I behave. And that impacts my trajectory.
What I notice is that managing reactivity creates a small pause. In that pause, there’s room to think differently.
Managing My Thinking
Managing my reactivity can give some time to think. How I think about a problem can be the problem. It can make a problem worse. My initial reactivity can flood my thinking, my ability to reason. The reflexive nature of reactivity is good. It makes me jump out of the way without thinking about it. But then it’s time to think and assess what’s going on. In relationships, there is often no need to “jump”, but there is the need to stop and assess what’s going on, which is the same observing work I described earlier. Then one needs to separate fact from fiction. By fiction, I mean the story I’m telling myself about what’s happening. My story might be that someone is withdrawing because they’re angry with me. The fact might simply be that they’re tired. These are different things, and they lead to very different responses. The choices I make about how to respond will depend on my principles and my conviction in them. What do you notice about the stories you tell yourself when things get tense?
Defining Self
What I find is that without a clear sense of what I actually stand for, my brain fills in the gaps, usually with whatever keeps the peace. Dr. Murray Bowen, the psychiatrist who developed Bowen Theory, called this a lack of differentiation of self. I think of it as operating on someone else’s defaults. The degree to which I can define my own values and principles, and hold on to them in the presence of relationship pressure, is the degree to which I have a solid self to bring to the system. Most people are not very well defined in this sense. So they react to their family system in a way that goes with the flow or keeps the peace. But this can take a toll on the family over time. Families with poorly defined individuals can find that emotional patterns like conflict and distance become more pronounced. Symptoms of all kinds can emerge. I see this in my practice regularly. Where do you notice yourself going along to keep the peace, and what does that cost you?
Working on Self Changes Trajectories
Working on yourself within a family system changes where the system ends up. When one person becomes more defined and less reactive, others carry less of the relational load. They have more room to function on their own. Dr. Michael Kerr, a longtime colleague of Dr. Bowen and former director of the Bowen Center, calls this the magic of systems. You can read more at the Bowen Center for the Study of the Family.
What I’ve noticed in my own work is that nudging my trajectory in a more positive direction has effects I didn’t fully anticipate. A small change in one part of the system shifts things for everyone.
This is what the iceberg intervention understood intuitively. You don’t move the iceberg directly. You change its trajectory early, and let physics do the rest. The same logic applies to families. These are the nudges: observing your part, managing your reactivity, thinking more clearly, defining yourself more fully. They are small. They compound. And over time they change where you end up.
Where is your iceberg headed? Will you work to nudge it a bit every day? Or will you let it drift? Will you work to get clear on your principles and convictions?
If you’re curious about how family systems counselling works in practice, or want to learn more about Bowen Theory, both links are below. My experience of over 25 years is that it’s hard, but it’s worth it. Very worth it.
Thank you for your interest in family systems.
Comments are welcome: dave.galloway@livingsystems.ca
Learn more about Bowen Theory here.
Living Systems is a registered charity, and we provide counselling services to low-income individuals and families. You can support our work in several ways:
