Theory Thoughts: Hope

Hope springs eternal. Transitioning into a season of regeneration evokes thoughts and feelings of hope, expectation, and anxiety.

“Hope and fear is a feeling with two sides. As long as there’s one, there’s always the other.”

~ Pema Chödrön

As I hope for certain outcomes, I fear their opposites.

When our emotional state is tied to outcomes, we feel unsettled. We have little to no control over outcomes, so when we hope for specific ones, the fear of them not happening is a constant shadow. This is a precarious place to be.

So, instead, just abandon all hope and you’ll be fine! No? Damn.

Ok, fine. We all hope and we all fear; it’s a clever evolutionary adaptation. Fear can keep us safe. Hope can keep us going. The simultaneous push and pull of these two forces, though, can be difficult to manage, elevate anxiety, and sabotage clear thinking.

A common response to this is, “So, you’re telling me I shouldn’t hope for things? That I shouldn’t care about what happens? That I should float through life and just let things happen?” I’ve been there, too, confused as to how I’ll keep pursuing things in life if I let go of hope.

Hoping and Wanting

Hope is not the same thing as want. I wanted to be accepted into a graduate program some years ago that I hoped I would get into, and I feared that I wouldn’t. I felt anxious, uneasy, and powerless. When I didn’t get in, hope disappeared, feelings of failure set in, and I began to worry about my future. This painful aftermath wasn’t the result of wanting to go to graduate school and being denied. Being denied was very disappointing, of course. But the pain and dismay that were interfering with my life were from the fear of what would happen if I didn’t (and thus hoping I did). In other words, attaching my happiness, my life goals, and my plans for the future to a specific outcome that I had no control over spiked my anxiety. That reactivity made it difficult for me to figure out what to do next.

Fear Affects Functioning

Once I realized that my life wasn’t actually doomed, I was able to reinvigorate my desire to go to grad school. I took a few courses to boost my application and tried again. The turmoil came back. I hope I get in this time! What will I do if I don’t?! Will I have to choose a whole new career? I can’t go through this a third time! Maybe I’m just not smart enough. Am I going to be stuck where I am forever?! I really hope not!! I would have been more relaxed if I had been able to hold onto my desire to go to grad school and know that I will be ok if I don’t get in. With lowered reactivity, I would have been able to function better in many areas of my life. I still would’ve had a variety of feelings going on and I would have been disappointed to be denied a second time. But I believe I would have been able to accept it and move on more quickly than I did the first time (whatever “move on” meant at the time).

Neutrality and Acceptance

I believe what Pema Chödrön is advocating for is neutrality. Rather than adding value judgments of good and bad to potential outcomes, we can navigate our decisions without the intensity brought on by fear and hope. From this place of neutrality, we are able to evaluate our thoughts and feelings more objectively and accept things as they are.

“In the world of hope and fear, we always have to change the channel, change the temperature, change the music, because something is getting uneasy, something is getting restless, something is beginning to hurt, and we keep looking for alternatives” (Pema Chödrön). We search for distraction because we’ve long believed that any form of discomfort is “bad”. Discomfort, though, can teach us a lot when we listen to it.

“Que sera, sera” (whatever will be, will be) is one of my favourite quotes. It doesn’t mean that I’ve given up on what I want. It means that, while pursuing various dreams, desires, and goals, I am reassured that I will be ok if it doesn’t work out the way I think I want it to.

You may have noticed the phrasing, “…the way I think I want it to…”. Stay tuned for more on that in the next installment of Theory Thoughts.

Chödrön, Pema (1997). When Things Fall Apart. Shambhala Publications, INC.