The challenge of emotional systems

How does one think “systems” and work with an individual at the same time? It’s a challenge. This applies to one working on self in their family or work systems. And especially to a clinician working with a client. I believe the reason it’s a challenge is the very reason one should work at it. The reason is, “emotional systems.”

Most people do not truly understand the idea of emotional systems. I’m still learning to appreciate our very deep evolutionary roots of what it means to be a social species. For example, most species have an “orienting reflex”. If your brain senses a movement or a sound (or smell or touch) the brain will automatically get the body to orient to that. And then you “notice it”. The orientation is nonconscious and automatic. However, if your brain was very sure that it was a neutral, e.g. not interesting, stimulus, it would ignore it. If it didn’t, your head would be in constant motion. (Pay attention to this for the day – you’ll be surprised how it works so well.) This is the emotional system at work.

The emotional system is non conscious

That example is one of many of our emotional system’s automatic responses we have as a social species. The key point is that it is automatic and outside of awareness. It happens and then, maybe, we notice. Another example is the concept of emotional contagion. This is a well-researched area on how emotions are automatically transmitted from one individual to another. For example, yawning is quite contagious. As well, emotional contagion is thought to contribute to “mob behaviour.”

Emotional systems – follow the anxiety

What Dr. Bowen observed so clearly was that anxiety is easily transmitted across family members. This is wired into us. Our ancestors’ survival depended on noticing if other members of the group were anxious. The reasons are quite simple. Suppose you and I are out for a walk in the woods. Suddenly, you are acting very anxious. We get anxious because we perceive a threat. So if you are perceiving a threat and I’m right next to you, uh, maybe I might want to notice that too? Well, the individuals that did that best lived to tell their kids about it. Those genes survived, and the species got better and better at noticing anxiety in others.

(Just to add to this point. The whites of our eyes developed to help us orient to where other was looking. This is automatic as well. Other notices a movement, then orients to that; you notice that and do the same. Other’s body language of anxiety is automatically picked up. All this automatic non-conscious behaviour is what emotional systems are about.)

Relationships matter when you are social

The emotion system developed because it helped us survive. Automatically recognizing threats (or opportunities) helps one survive. Relationships are a critical aspect of survival for a social species. If I need you to help me survive, then I’m going to pay a lot of attention to how you are doing. And what you are doing. Especially if you are in a position hurt me since you might the higher in the pecking order. Thus, it gets even more important if your anxiety represents a threat to my or our survival.

Families are emotional systems

As a social and thus interdependent species, your emotional state is very important to me. Emotional contagion and our interdependence means my emotions automatically vary with your emotions. And yours vary with mine. This reciprocity is what makes it a system. Each part of the system affects the functioning of the other parts in the system. Families act like systems, because of the “emotional system” interdependence across its members.

How do you change an emotional system?

Back to our opening question. How do you work with an individual when they are so wired into the emotional system? Alternatively, if everyone in a family system is automatically influenced by everyone else, how can change happen? There really is only one way. The system doesn’t change. The functioning of the individual parts changes. Thus, I change my part, how I function, in the system. This is magic of systems. I’m playing some part in the system’s functioning. But I can change my functioning. This starts with observing how I function, when, where, by how much, and with whom. Once I can see my part, then I can work on changing my part. As I truly change my functioning, my behaviour, the system will adapt and change. However, my change as to be for me, for self. It can be some kind of trying to “change” the system. That’s called manipulation, and it doesn’t work.

Seek to understand how the emotional system works

A good clinician will ask the client questions in order to understand how the system operates. This helps the client understand the part they are playing. It’s then up to the client to decide what they will do to play a more responsible part in their system. Like any good coach, the player will get points on how to improve, but the player has to do the work themself. The coach can’t do it for them.

The spring conference is going to shed more light on this. The speakers are experienced clinicians and have a lot to share. It will be helpful for therapists and the public alike.

Shift Happens

The giant strides forward in science, and in life, often come from a shift in one’s perspective. This conference will offer participants a new perspective. The shift is up to you. I hope to see you at the conference!

Thank you for your interest in family systems.

Dave Galloway