You only think you know what you want. How can neutrality help us ease anxiety around our goals, plans, and aspirations?

Theory Thoughts: We only think we know what we want

Story Time

I was painting a picture frame a while ago. There was a small corner that the brush I was using was too big to get into without getting paint all over the glass. AHA! I have the perfect brush. I was so excited. I looked for the brush for a few minutes and actually found it (quite a feat when living with two young kids). I skipped back to the picture frame with glee and dipped the perfect brush into the paint. It fell apart.

The perfection projection

Usually, I’d rage at something like this, but I was armed with the wisdom of Pema Chödrön. I laughed. I realized I only thought I wanted that brush. The rage wouldn’t have been because I was denied the thing I wanted. It would have been because I projected perfection onto a brush and attached the outcome of my art to that brush’s perfection. This brush was going to enable me to finish my picture frame, and it was going to look lovely. When the brush demonstrated its imperfection, I could have easily become frustrated and given up on the project. Instead, I got a cotton swab and rolled it into a fine point, which worked just fine.

Alternatively…

What would have happened if I hadn’t been able to find the brush at all? I’d have been storming around the house, tearing open cupboards, and yelling, “Nothing ever gets put back where it’s fu**ing supposed to! Why can I never find these fu**ing things when I want them?! I have the perfect brush, and it’s being wasted because I can’t find it! Now I can’t finish my project! One kid probably lost it!”

It turned out, though, that I only thought I wanted it. I thought it was the perfect brush, but it wasn’t. If I hadn’t been able to find it, I never would have known that, but I still would have raged. And this is precisely my point: we think we want something, but we don’t know because we don’t know how it will turn out. Putting the fate of my art under the control of a paintbrush that may or may not be perfect, that I may or may not find, sets the stage for anger, frustration, accusation, and giving up. It was in my neutral thinking that I could avoid all of that. A calmer way to approach the paintbrush situation would have been, “I think I want this brush, but if I don’t find it, I’ll figure something else out”.

How projection shows up in systems

We project our beliefs (consciously and unconsciously) onto others all the time, and these projections can create problems in relationships; however, they can also be beneficial in relationships, which I may address in a future post. We see this frequently in romantic relationships, for example. In movies, songs, and on social media, we are enchanted into believing that finding the perfect partner will complete us. Then, some years after finding this “perfect” person, couples and individuals end up in our therapy rooms wondering why they still feel incomplete. By this point, they may have developed anger (among other feelings) towards the other person for not fulfilling their perfection projection.

Fusion

I wonder if these projections drive us further into fusion with members of our system(s)? Unchecked, projections will persist throughout relationships and can evoke a wide variety of emotions and emotional patterns. When we project such a hefty responsibility onto another person, we become overly focused on their behaviour, and far less focused on our own responsibility in the relationship. Instead, becoming more familiar with our own values and principles can enhance our agency in how we engage with our systems.

We only think we know what we want in a partner, in a paintbrush, in life. When we can approach our goals with equanimity, we can begin to let go of our attachment to the outcomes. This is not to say that we should ignore our wants. The idea is to pursue what we think we want, while understanding that if it doesn’t go according to plan, that’s okay. Maybe the paintbrush would have fallen apart anyway.

This post was provided by:

Rebecca Van Der Hijde MA, BCBA
Behaviour Analyst
Resonance Autism + Family Therapy