Theory Thoughts:

What’s the difference between responsibility and blame? And what can we take from Bowen Theory to addresses this?

“You have inherited a lifetime of tribulation. Everybody has inherited it. Take it over, make the most of it and when you have decided you know the right way, do the best you can with it.” (Bowen)

Taking responsibility for self is partly what Bowen is advocating for in this quote. This doesn’t mean blame, either for yourself or your parents, or their parents. It doesn’t mean it’s fair that you’ve inherited this. It means it’s yours. Taking responsibility for something is acknowledging that it’s yours to deal with. This concept, however, can very quickly turn into blame (e.g., “If you don’t want me to get angry then stop doing things that make me angry”). I’ll provide two illustrations of my point.

Inheriting Sh*t

If a stray dog poops on my lawn in the middle of the night, who is responsible for cleaning it up? Even though it’s not my fault that it’s there, I am now responsible for it. If I want that off my lawn (which I do), then I’m going to have to clean it up.

Who’s the Boss (of the feelings)?

Let’s say I’m walking with a cup of coffee, and someone (we’ll call them Blake) bumps into me and my coffee spills. Why did I spill coffee?

“Because Blake bumped into you”, you might be thinking.

Close, but no. The reason I spilled coffee is because I had coffee in my cup. I know that doesn’t sound very insightful but stay with me!

Blake is not responsible for what’s in my cup (we’ll come back to Blake in a moment). I’m responsible for what’s in my cup, which means I’m responsible for what comes out of it. If I had poured tea in it, that’s what would’ve come out when Blake bumped into me. The drink in this example (coffee, tea, piña colada…) is taking the place of emotions and behaviour. The emotions that are evoked in me and the behaviour I exhibit are not anyone else’s responsibility. It’s up to me what I put in my cup. It’s up to me to develop skills to manage what’s in my cup.

“But Blake bumped into you! Surely, it’s their fault.” Blake does have a responsibility here but only for bumping into me, not for what came out of my cup. For that, they might say something like, “I’m so sorry! I’ll help you clean that up.” However, the way I respond has nothing to do with Blake. I might respond by saying, “That’s ok! I would’ve spilled it on myself later anyway” or I might yell, “Hey! Watch where you’re going! How did you not see me?!” Either way, the extent to which Blake is responsible doesn’t change based on my reaction. My emotions and my behaviour are mine to deal with.

That said, whatever emotions are evoked in me by this incident are valid and understandable. Perhaps I feel really angry because I already spilled something on my shirt that day and I had to go home and change, and now I’m a mess again. Feeling angry in this situation is totally understandable. It’s what I do with that anger that is important. I might choose to take that anger out on Blake by yelling, blaming, demanding they buy me a new shirt etc. Or, I might take responsibility for my anger by taking a deep breath, muttering, “it’s fine, I know it was an accident” and moping back to my car to go home again. Numerous factors go into the decision and the ability to respond one way over another.

Differentiation of Self

Taking responsibility for emotions and behaviour also includes separating one’s feelings from someone else’s. The higher the fusion in a system, the more likely it is that each person will “catch” the emotions of other members of the system. If you’re angry; I’m angry. If you’re happy; I’m happy. One of the problems with this is that when we hold someone else responsible for how we feel, we forfeit our own agency over our feelings and behaviour. Much of our work on differentiation is aimed at increasing the capacity to manage our emotions and behaviour.

“Why do I need to do this, though? I don’t care if I yell at someone who bumped into me” Excellent question! And the answer is: you don’t. When you’re content with the way you are showing up, you may not be interested in changing anything, and that’s fine. It’s when you realize that your behaviour didn’t accurately reflect your values and principles, that you might want to address the infant inside of you. Bowen explained, “We all have an infant inside of us. But the infant doesn’t have to run the show.” The infant that Bowen is talking about is our inherited immaturity. The part of us that wants to do the easier thing, the more comfortable thing.

Why is Taking Responsibility for our Feelings so Aversive?

When someone says, “Your feelings are your responsibility” or “I didn’t make you feel that way”, what we often hear is, “It’s your own fault you feel this way” or “You shouldn’t feel that way”. When we interpret blame and judgment, it makes sense that we feel defensive or feel like we need to bury our feelings. Understanding how blame differs from responsibility gives us the freedom to manage our feelings without piling on guilt and shame.

Thank you for your interest in thinking systems

Rebecca Van Der Hijde is a Family Systems + Behaviour Analyst with Living Systems. In her private practice, Resonance Autism + Family Therapy, she works with a variety of families, including those who are raising neurodivergent children. She has been working in the field of autism and developmental disability for over 20 years and is very excited about integrating Bowen Theory with Behaviour Analysis in her practice.

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