Is estrangement worth it?
There is a belief that cutting off from one’s family can be a good thing. There are articles saying that going no contact is healthy, that some families are just too toxic to maintain contact with. But how can one be sure?
This reflects a broader trend in how we think about family estrangement. Maybe childhood was difficult or even abusive. Perhaps the parents won’t acknowledge this, let alone be accountable for the past. Some professionals have built practices around supporting individuals through family estrangement decisions.
Is estrangement worth it? This is not a yes or no type of question. The answer depends on understanding two questions: when is distance appropriate, how much distance is appropriate, whom do you distance from, and most importantly, how do you decide objectively?
From a Bowen family systems perspective, family estrangement isn’t a simple question. These decisions require understanding your position in multigenerational patterns, the costs of cutoff, and whether safety concerns genuinely warrant distance to the point of cutoff.
System view of cutting off family
Murray Bowen believed cutoff was a distinct enough pattern of human behaviour that he made it a concept in his theory. Like other patterns of emotional functioning, cutting off is a response to the emotional intensity of a relationship system. This intensity results from one feeling or believing that one must behave (feel, think, or act) as the other(s) want them to. Or maybe one can’t get (or make) others feel, think and act how one wants them to. There is a kind of cutoff that is the outcome of never being connected in the first place. Here, I am talking about emotionally driven distance and cutoff.
The process takes at least two people. And it goes both ways.
What is emotional cutoff?
Emotional cutoff is a pattern where people manage relationship anxiety by disengaging emotionally from family members. Dr. Bowen used the term “emotional cutoff” twenty-five times in his book to distinguish it from simple physical or geographical distance.
The process lowers the emotional intensity of relationship(s). We experience this intensity as discomfort, tension, or anxiety. One manages this by disengaging with a family member(s) with various behaviours.
Examples include never discussing meaningful topics, substance use, or staying in one’s room (or office or workshop) rather than engaging in the relationship. It’s important to remember that it is an emotional process, not a physical distance process.
A healthy relationship has a high level of good emotional contact. No secrets, meaningful conversations. (See this previous post on good emotional contact.) So the odd text message or holiday duty visit doesn’t automatically remove the distance in a relationship. But anything is better than nothing, in my opinion. A five-minute meaning exchange is a start!
Triangles and getting the right support
When considering family estrangement, I believe each individual needs to weigh the impact of cutting off a family member. Be careful about whom you seek support from. We often “triangle” in a third party as a way of lowering our anxiety.
This is where the wrong “support” won’t be helpful. Suppose a person believes their parents really “owe them” for what they believe was a wrong committed in the past. Talking to a third person who agrees with you and validates your feelings to give you emotional support isn’t always helpful. Remember that wanting to relieve another person’s distress is human nature. So a friend may want to say what will make you (and thus them), feel better. Triangles function to lower a person’s distress, but that doesn’t mean it helps resolve the issue. It can exacerbate the issue.
Someone who can think with you and be more objective while empathetic would be more helpful. I’ve noticed that how I think about a problem is often part of the problem. A good friend who will seek to understand you but give other perspectives helps you think differently. A good therapist will offer perspectives that the client might not want to hear but could be helpful.
So what does cutoff actually cost?
What are the consequences of family estrangement?
Family estrangement has both short-term and long-term consequences. Here are four costs worth considering:
1. Lost opportunity for personal growth
One immediate cost is losing the opportunity to work on the issue. Not to fix the other person, but to work on your own patterns. This growth is for self. To the degree that an issue is unresolved, it’s still there and can affect behaviour and functioning in one’s life. You are doing the work for you.
2. Loss of family resources
The person(s) you’re cut off from could be a resource for you or your family. For example, I know of uncles who have been a career resource for nephews. If siblings cutoff, the nieces and nephews, lose the resources of aunts, uncles, and cousins.
3. Blocks working on differentiation
A Bowen theory perspective would posit that cutting off from parents removes the possibility of working on one’s unresolved emotional attachment. Working on the parental triangle is critical to working on differentiation. Differentiation refers to your ability to be yourself while staying connected to others. Again, you are working for self. Those difficult parents are a gift for your growth!
4. Practical and emotional costs over time
Cutting off can negatively impact dealing with an estate. This can get costly, emotionally and financially, for the whole family. While a short-term benefit can make you feel less stressed initially, the long-term impact can be different.
What I’ve seen is that an important relationship may be damaged or lost, leading to regret later. An issue that seemed very important at the time could simply not be important anymore.
Have you noticed patterns in your own life where what felt critical five years ago barely registers now? However, once cut off, it’s hard to reconnect for different emotional and logistical reasons.
Others get cut off with you
When family estrangement happens, individuals with a family usually end up cutting off their whole family. The partner gets cut off from in-laws, and the kids get cut off from relatives and cousins. This can sever a branch of the family from the “tree” forever. One might end up cutting off from one’s uncles, aunts, siblings, and cousins because of the triangles in the system. Many “innocent” family members may lose contact with you, to everyone’s detriment.
Because of how triangles work in family systems, tt’s tough to separate from just one part of a “system.”
When you understand these broader family affects, you can think through the decision more carefully.
So when does distance or even cut off make sense?
When is distance appropriate?
Distance from family is appropriate when someone represents a genuine emotional, financial, or physical threat through active substance abuse, criminal behavior, abusive or violence. This differs from emotional discomfort or disagreement. Distance is warranted if someone represents a threat to you, your family, or your possessions. Just be as objective about this as possible. Err on the side of safety.
That’s different from just disagreeing with someone or being uncomfortable around them. For example, if an individual is a substance user or involved in criminal activity, having them over to your house may not be advised. But having a coffee with them at a safe (public) location could be an acceptable way of staying connected. Another example is that some might not believe vaccines are good and refuse to take them. That’s not a reason to restrict contact with them if you know both of you are not contagious. I know a person who didn’t want to visit some folks because of their political beliefs. I believe the person needs to work on their reactivity in that situation. Those folks are a great resource for one to “practice” on!
The amount of distance in a relationship is a personal decision. But how do you decide?
How do you make this decision?
Family estrangement is an intensely emotional process, and it’s hard to think objectively about it. Having someone to talk to who will help you think more objectively could be helpful. If one cuts off, perhaps it’s best to think of “for now” and not “forever.” Try to maintain enough contact so you can connect again should you wish to.
If you’ve been “cut off” by someone else, maintaining a zero-demand, light level of contact can keep a connection going. What does that look like? Perhaps a brief text on their birthday with no expectation of a response. Or a card at the holidays. The key is making contact requiring nothing back. This approach to family estrangement would be the topic of another post.
Finding support in Vancouver and BC
If you’re navigating family estrangement decisions and want objective guidance from a Bowen family systems perspective, our counselling services can help. We work with individuals and families throughout Vancouver and British Columbia, offering both in-person and remote sessions.
Family counselling in Vancouver often focuses on communication skills or conflict resolution. Our approach goes deeper—examining multigenerational patterns, differentiation of self, and the role of triangles in family systems. This framework helps you make thoughtful decisions about family estrangement rather than reacting automatically to emotional intensity.
The New York Times article Is cutting off your family good therapy? inspired this post by Ellen Barry.
Ideas for this post also came from the book “Fault Lines” by Karl Pillemer.
Thank you for your interest in family systems.
Comments are welcome: dave.galloway@livingsystems.ca
Learn more about Bowen Theory here.
Living Systems is a registered charity, and we provide counselling services to low-income individuals and families. You can support our work in several ways:
