Are you functioning better? We are one month into 2025 and it’s time to review how the resolutions are going!

There is a famous Star Wars quote I want to reference: “There is no try, only do or do not”. I have a different take on this for 2025. I admit the idea came from another out-of-this-world figure, David Goggins. This has to do with becoming more differentiated. It would go like this: “There is no do, there is only try or try not. To try not, failure is.” Bear with me on this.

The premise is that following through on a resolution requires conviction, unless the goal is to easy. Conviction is a key component of being more differentiated. And being more differentiated has to do with two major kinds of behaviour, thinking and how I am in relationships. However, these behaviours are influenced by my beliefs and convictions. For example, how well thought out are my convictions about how I want to be or behave in my life. The stronger a conviction, the more likely I’m able to follow through on that conviction. It is this conviction aspect of differentiation that is important for achieving one’s goals. I believe the process that develops strong convictions is key to developing one’s level of differentiation. Responsible functioning depends on conviction and is differentiation in action.

Thinking versus reactivity driven behaviour.

Bowen wrote that there are two major aspects of differentiation. One is the ability to discern subjective, feeling driven thinking from more objective fact based thinking. In addition, this would include “self” focused versus other focused thinking. To be clear, all mental activity had degrees of both. With greater levels of differentiation, I am more clear on what’s driving my behaviour- thinking or feeling. Thoughtful choice or automatic reactivity on my part.

For example, let’s say I want to be more fit in 2025. My friends are excited about completing a marathon so I sign up (with them) for one in June. It’s a great goal. But how realistic is it? How would one even know how to think about how this realistic this is? Things to consider could be: one’s level of fitness, time to to train each week, how fast to increase the distance each week, and proper running shoes for example. If started with running 1 km lengths and increased that by 1 km every two weeks, I would only be at around 12 km in 6 months. The marathon will not happen at that pace. So too much feeling driving the decision could lead to failure or, in this case, to injury.

Behaviour in Relationships

The other area that differentiation operates in is relationships. Can I define myself based on my principles and convictions and then maintain this in my relationships? This includes not imposing myself on others and staying in good contact with others (see post here). Continuing with the goal to be more fit, one could plan a running schedule for six months and decide that a 10K event is doable. Let’s say my close friends are going for a marathon. Am I going to cave in and go along with them, hoping it will work out somehow? Or am I going to stick to my convictions for my goal? And can I take responsibility for my goal, without it being something that everyone else has to work around? Lets say I want to do a longer run on Saturday. Do I hold on to that goal, but work with others in my family so it works without making others do backflips? Functioning in a more responsible manner means I take care of self, myself. I don’t impinge on others so I can be “more responsible” for my “self!”

Thoughtful conviction or feeling-based reactivity

A systems perspective on goal achievement would reflect on the following ideas:
– How did I come to believe this is a good goal?
– Which of my principles supports this?What are facts to support my thinking around this goal?
– Is this goal congruent with my other principles?
– What part do I play in achieving this goal?
– How does my behaviour have to change?
– Am I doing this for self or for other?
– Is praise or criticism driving me to select this goal?
– Are there others in my family system that might be useful to use as a resource?
– Will I be impinging on others with this goal?
– Does this goal represent more responsible functioning for self?

Only one way to fail

Like physical fitness, emotional fitness, being more differentiated is an ongoing effort. It’s a resolution that might have milestones, but it’s never fully completed. I my opinion, good resolutions are milestones on the road to maturity. A useful idea I have picked up from others is there is only one way to fail when working to achieve a goal. That is to just give up and stop making any effort. It’s like that with differentiation. I’m never fully differentiate, I’m never done. But failure only comes from giving up and quitting any effort to work on self.

I would like to think that Yoda might say: ‘There is no do, there is attempt or quit. Quit not, fail not. Attempt often. Every attempt honourable is.”

Don’t give up on your resolutions!

Thank you for your interest in family systems.

dave galloway

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Read more about Bowen Theory here.

This post might also be of interest: Be a Better Observer