Systems approach to forgiveness
It’s hard to forgive a wrongdoing. But there is a way to approach forgiveness that can be helpful to your well-being. Research and interventions show the benefits of forgiving for the individual doing the forgiving. This makes sense, since forgiving helps reduce negative emotions. A systems approach to forgiveness adds something most forgiveness methods miss.
One approach to forgiveness is based on a REACH model that involves completing a workbook over several hours. The workbook asks the individual to describe the event and the associated feelings. Then they answer many questions to qualify the level of negative feelings related to events. The workbook has the following sections.
Section one uses literary quotes to explore the individual’s motivation to forgive. Section two defines what forgiveness is and explores the benefits of forgiving and the impact of rumination and worry about the event. Section three has the individual recall the hurt but then look at the situation more objectively and from the other person’s perspective. Section four has the individual work on being empathetic and/or sympathetic towards the other person. Section five guides the individual to develop a sense of gratitude for forgiveness and an altruistic attitude towards others. The last section helps the individual maintain the emotional peace that comes with forgiveness. One good aspect of this model is that it encourages the person to be thoughtful about the situation.
The research is clear that holding a grudge and holding on to the negative emotions related to not forgiving are hard on an individual. Being angry at a person after they have “wronged” you is like twisting the arrow after it has hit you. It only hurts you more.
What is a systems approach to forgiveness?
Several ideas in the REACH steps are consistent with a systems approach to forgiveness. Trying to be more objective about any situation is always helpful. Dr. Murray Bowen defined differentiation as the ability to distinguish subjective, feeling-type thinking from more objective, rational-type thinking. The cognitive effort to think and write about a sequence of events, as if one were a reporter, can help an individual be more objective.
Exercises throughout the workbook support the person to be thoughtful. By writing about their feelings rather than simply feeling them, one can be more objective about the situation. Talking about feelings and emotions can be useful to gaining a better understanding of the event. For example, asking where, when, with whom, what, and how feelings arose are good questions to explore. Why questions are not. These can lead to a narrow cause-and-effect type of thinking. Instead of why, one can explore how things came to be such that the event in question took place.
Trying to think about the situation from the other person’s perspective can help one be more understanding and thus forgiving. This is where a systems approach can make a difference.
How a systems frame changes the way we understand wrongdoing
The REACH method doesn’t use a systems perspective. Moving from a cause-and-effect, perpetrator-victim frame to a systems frame changes how one understands an event. Most situations involve multiple people and a sequence of events, not a single cause.
Each person brings their entire family system and multigenerational processes to how they came to be who they are. Most of us are not fully differentiated, so we are reactive to our emotional systems. We all experience stressors and perceived threats that make us more reactive. These contribute to one behaving poorly.
This is a more complete picture than the standard account of wrongdoing.
Why is forgiveness for you?
Forgiving someone could be called “forgo-ness.” I think forgiving means deciding to let go of blaming and seeking revenge. Getting even is a reactive response that can do one more harm, because it is not an objective, rational response. So if forgiving someone means you let go of this negative emotional energy and the time and resources involved, then you are doing yourself good.
Forgiveness is also useful in another way. By definition, a systems perspective means I play some part in any situation. I do not think of this as finding fault or blaming the victim. It’s just how a systems perspective works, and it usually makes complete sense.
For example, let’s say an individual didn’t get snow tires put on early enough and they hit my car. There was an unexpected inch of snow on the roads that day. I had left work later than usual, and because of something with my partner, I was in a hurry. Because of the other driver’s tires, they slid through a stop sign and hit me. There are a lot of things involved in the accident. My part was that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. If I had been in less of a hurry I might have avoided the situation. Forgiving myself for my part is useful for me.
Have you noticed a situation in your own life where seeing your own part made it easier to move on?
What forgiveness is not
Let’s continue with the example. There were consequences in the form of damages to both cars. Whatever the other driver’s reasons are, they have to pay the consequences. Consequences are not about “getting even.”
I can understand how it happened. I can see the part I played: my timing and driving speed put me in the wrong place at the wrong time. As a result, I was exactly where the other driver could hit me. A couple of seconds either way and I wouldn’t have been hit. An impartial observer watching all this via a drone in the sky could conclude that both drivers contributed to this.
Understanding how it happened is not the same as approving of it. No one has to agree that either driver was right or wrong. No one has to be happy about it.
Accepting that an accident happened and understanding my part doesn’t mean I’m okay with what the other driver did, or what I did, or with what happened. There were consequences that have to be dealt with. What acceptance does is help me focus on how I want to show up in the moment and afterwards. How can I get through this with the least negative impact on me? How can I get on with what is really important to me?
Without asking what part I might have played, I might not learn important lessons. The biggest lesson could be that I need to drive slower in bad weather so I can stop faster, or to be extra alert at intersections.
How working on differentiation of self supports forgiveness
Working on differentiation by trying to hold on to a systems perspective has helped me be less blaming and more understanding. By managing myself better, I am better able to forgive myself and others. I forgive myself for not being more differentiated than I am. And I understand the consequences that come with not acting as maturely as I can.
Forgiveness, in this sense, is not a gift to the other person. It’s a practice you take on for yourself.
This post was inspired by The Well by The New York Times.
The REACH workbook can be found here.
Thank you for your interest in family systems.
Comments are welcome: dave.galloway@livingsystems.ca
Learn more about Bowen Theory here.
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