“When I forgive you,
You will no longer define me. “
Two very poignant lines from a poem in The Book of Forgiving, by Desmond Tutu and his daughter, Mpho Tutu. In reading these two lines, it’s not difficult to see how I connected the concept of forgiveness to Bowen Theory. One goal in our work as Bowen coaches is to help people differentiate themselves in ways that can lead to autonomy and higher functioning. Another quote from The Book of Forgiving that aligns with Bowen’s concept of differentiation is, “Without forgiveness, we remain tethered to the person who harmed us.” (p. 16).
The visual of being tethered to someone is helpful in understanding how two (or more) people can be strongly connected emotionally even when they are not geographically close, or when one of them has died. Anger, resentment, and blame are among the many invisible strings that tie us to someone else. Love and compassion are tied in as well, and these are the ones that will help us to loosen or untie the more painful strings (i.e., to forgive).
Two common misunderstandings are that to forgive is to release someone of responsibility; and that forgiving requires mending a relationship. The authors are very clear that forgiving does not mean that the harmful behaviour is ok or that the person who harmed you is no longer responsible for their behaviour. Nor does it mean that you must agree to accept the person who harmed you into your life. Forgiveness is granting yourself the freedom to choose. You get to choose how much influence this person has over your thoughts and decisions.
Loosening the Strings with Compassion
While it may sound counterintuitive, developing compassion for the person who harmed you can be healing. This, of course, cannot be forced, and it may take a long time to get to this point. Many people ask, why should I feel compassion for the person who hurt me?! Because it’s not for them, it’s for you. There might be a belief that feeling compassion for them means taking compassion away from self. We can, however, have compassion for both the person who harmed us and for self.
As mentioned above, forgiving is not about saying the behaviour was ok, and the same is true for compassion. By having compassion for someone, we are not absolving them of responsibility or saying that we aren’t hurt anymore. Compassion is about understanding. When we can see the behaviour through a systemic lens, we can develop a greater understanding of how it unfolded.
Depending on what happened, you may go through periods where you can hold onto that compassion, and there may be times when it becomes difficult again. This too is understandable.
Forgiveness and Defining Self
The process of forgiving is an opportunity to work on defining self. In turn, defining self influences our capacity to forgive. Forgiving is a decision. We must first decide that we will forgive, which is a process in itself requiring thoughtfulness. Depending on the harm caused, we may need time to be with the anger, blame, sadness, grief, and all the other emotions that accompany being hurt. As the difficult emotions subside over time, we might still cling to some of them (often anger), which, like every other behaviour, serves a purpose. In uncovering the reasons why we have been clinging to these difficult emotions, we understand ourselves better. This is the space where we can decide that we want to loosen, even untie, the strings connecting us so intensely to the person who harmed us. In other words, we can decide that we want to forgive.
Forgiveness is not Dependent on Others
Even when we have decided that we want to forgive, we may think, how can I forgive them if they won’t apologize? Desmond Tutu addresses this in a way that is in synchrony with Bowen Theory: “…forgiveness is not dependent on the actions of others” (p. 20). What happens when we believe that forgiveness cannot be achieved until the other person engages in a specific behaviour (e.g., apologizing? We tighten the strings connecting us to the person who harmed us.
When we realize that we have the capacity to forgive regardless of what the other person does or doesn’t do, we are taking another step towards defining self. In doing so, we are taking a position that says, even though you haven’t apologized, I can still release myself from the emotional intensity. (This doesn’t actually need to be said to the person who harmed you, but you can certainly do that if you think it could be helpful to you.)
Links + Sources
The Book of Forgiving: Amazon
Tutu, D., Tutu, M. (2014). The Book of Forgiving
Rebecca Van Der Hijde is a Family Systems + Behaviour Analyst with Living Systems. In her private practice, Resonance Autism + Family Therapy, she works with a variety of families, including those who are raising neurodivergent children. She has been working in the field of autism and developmental disability for over 20 years and is very excited about integrating Bowen Theory with Behaviour Analysis in her practice.
