Courage and Differentiation
I recently saw a headline about what to teach boys about being a man. It got me wondering. What about what we teach girls about being a woman? What about what we teach our children about being a person? I think there are qualities of a mature individual that are not specific to sex or gender. They have to do with emotional maturity and level of differentiation of self, which is a core concept in Bowen family systems theory.
It takes courage to define a self. Defining a self means saying, through words and actions, what I believe and what I will and will not do, while staying in contact with the people who matter to me. The emotional forces working against differentiation should not be underestimated. When families, organizations, or even countries lack emotional maturity, their emotional reactivity can lead to regression. Regressions are characterized by lower levels of functioning and increases in symptoms, which can be physiological, emotional, and social in nature.
Emotional maturity is more than emotional intelligence. It’s a maturation process, like physical and cognitive maturation. Dr. Murray Bowen believed that individuals often didn’t finish their emotional maturation and got stuck at a level in their late teens or early twenties. He wrote, “All things equal, the basic level of differentiation is finally established about the time the young adult establishes self separately from his family of origin.”
If differentiation of self is the goal, why is it so hard to work on? That’s where courage comes in.
Why do emotional development and courage go together?
I have heard it said that courage is acting even when one is afraid. The writings about courage goes back to Aristotle, and they bring in both the emotional and the rational sides of courage. Having no fear in the face of a threat can lead to recklessness with no “reasonable” care taken when one acts. Recognizing the threat, having fear of it, and respecting what it could do requires an intellectual process based on facts. Overcoming the fear generated by a fact-based assessment takes courage. All rational feedback is saying: run the other way. The courageous person doesn’t.
Courage needs something to be for
What I noticed in the writing on courage is this: a person has to be for something more important than the threat before they will act in spite of the threat. That fits my understanding of emotional functioning. When being for something generates more feeling than the fear does, a person can act in spite of the fear.
What is differentiation of self based on?
Differentiation of self is the capacity to keep one’s thinking and emotional reactions distinct, and to act on carefully thought out principles even under relationship (emotional) pressure. It includes the ability to act according to one’s convictions. These principles, and the conviction to live by them, can’t just be borrowed. They have to be developed from within. This is how they will not get ignored in the face of a challenge.
Dr. Bowen wrote, “The basic level of differentiation of self is manifested in the degree to which an individual manages across life to keep thinking and emotional systems separate, to retain choice between behavior governed by thinking and by emotional reactivity, and to set a life course based on carefully thought out principles and goals.”
What Bowen observed was that individuals would go along with another person, or a group, to avoid discomfort, or the threat of not going not. Threats could be in the form of being disapproved of, rejected, ridiculed, abandoned, or abused in some form. You can read more about the concept at The Bowen Center.
What happens when the courage to define a self is missing?
Lacking the courage to define a self, to stay aligned with one’s convictions, can contribute to behaviours such as:
- agreeing just to avoid an argument and “keep the peace”
- distancing rather than dealing with the situation (running away)
- being dishonest to avoid conflict
- substance use to avoid things and soothe the discomfort of losing self
- just not discussing topics, another form of distancing
- fighting in order to change the other person
Do you have a more common pattern that falls on this list? That’s useful information.
Acting in a more differentiated manner means not just going along, but also not impinging on the other. It’s both an emotional response and a rational response. There are risks involved. The threat may be small, so it takes only a little courage. But these small acts of courage to define self, I believe, build strength for when the threat is more challenging.
I notice this in my own life. The small tests come first. Staying in the room when a topic gets tense. Saying what I think without needing the other person to agree. None of it looks dramatic from the outside, and each one takes a little courage.
Be courageous, work on differentiation
Here are some ideas for you to think about as you work on your level of differentiation of self. This is the kind of work we explore in Bowen theory and in counselling.
- Name something that you have conviction about.
- Would you leave your job or partner for this conviction?
- Where did this conviction come from? Did you just grow up with it? Is it yours?
- Are your convictions a reaction against something or truly for something?
- Are you threatened by someone disagreeing with your conviction?
- Does your conviction involve making others be different?
Working on being more emotionally mature can be hard. It can be frustrating. But what’s the alternative? Here’s a hint: can you spell s y m p t o m d e v e l o p m e n t?
Working on differentiation of self is slow, and the courage it takes is mostly the small, daily kind. That kind is available to all of us.
Thank you for your interest in family systems.
Comments are welcome: dave.galloway@livingsystems.ca
Quotes of Dr. Bowen are from his book Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. Email me if you would like the details.